Toss those women’s magazines and stop taking those Facebook quizzes. I have proven data to guarantee you will look 10 years younger!
I scientifically formed a hypothesis, “How old do I look?” and then I carefully collected those responses to my hypothesis to ensure the accuracy, quality and integrity of the data. First, I chose a simple random sample of women that met me and knew me 30 minutes or less. Second, I asked them, “How old do I look?” For my research to be considered valid, I took appropriate care and diligence in the allocation of controls. My simple random sample consisted of 3 women. The acquired knowledge from my sample responses (all three woman responded, “35 years old”) supported my theory. My theory: I look ten years younger than my actual age. My actual age is 46.
So, how can you achieve the same results and look ten years younger?
Follow these TEN simple tips:
1. Kids. Do not have kids until you are in your mid to late 30s. Really! Go enjoy your twenties — and your thirties. When you have kids later in life, no one questions your age when you take your toddlers to the playground.
2. Friends. Say goodbye to the old, and bring on the new, younger friends. I mean, you can certainly text or message your oldest, dearest friends from your childhood, but dear God, do not go public with them.
3. Depends. Nothing gives your age away faster than the leg cross. When going out with your new, younger friends, wear a reliable incontinence barrier — heck, pack a bunch in your handbag — and laugh freely.
4. Hair. It is certainly important to cover up those grays. However, style is a subtle giveaway. Go to the hippest salon in town, choose the youngest stylist and go with it. Listen and follow their advice — don’t go home and completely give up on your new style, even if you’ve always parted your hair to the left, don’t do it!
5. Sunglasses. Those laugh lines may be able to tell great tales of sunny days on the beach and fun adventures with friends, but to a younger person, they are like rings on a tree. A trendy pair of dark glasses should be worn at all times.
6. The uncontrollable wisp of hair. I am not talking about the upper lip or the extended sideburns. It is a stray, completely independent, and a destroyer of facades. It juts out from mid-cheek, center of forehead, or end of nose — an abomination that can poke out at any moment — and requires strategically placed tweezers in your purse, desk at work, and car.
7. Conversation. The following phrases should never be used in conversation: “When I was a kid…”, “During the 70s and 80s, we would…”, and “Before cell phones…”
8. Ailments. Blow your knee out playing with the kids? Surgery to repair a slipped disc? Carpal tunnel? Keep it to yourself! Discussing and comparing maladies is the talk of older ladies.
9. Boobs. The sag of your boobs is an indicator of age. Invest in a well-made bra that elevates your chest to a higher altitude — for the larger breast, go underwire and for the smaller breast, go padded. The more money you spend, the younger you will look.
10. Social Media. Know it, love it, and embrace it.
It is indisputable scientific fact! You can look ten years younger just by following these ten easy fixes. Try it today! Be 35 again — or ten years younger than any age!
Originally published in Huffington Post on April 27, 2016