Huffington Post

How to Look 10 Years Younger

Look 10 years younger!

Toss those women’s magazines and stop taking those Facebook quizzes. I have proven data to guarantee you will look 10 years younger!

I scientifically formed a hypothesis, “How old do I look?” and then I carefully collected those responses to my hypothesis to ensure the accuracy, quality and integrity of the data. First, I chose a simple random sample of women that met me and knew me 30 minutes or less. Second, I asked them, “How old do I look?” For my research to be considered valid, I took appropriate care and diligence in the allocation of controls. My simple random sample consisted of 3 women. The acquired knowledge from my sample responses (all three woman responded, “35 years old”) supported my theory. My theory: I look ten years younger than my actual age. My actual age is 46.

So, how can you achieve the same results and look ten years younger?

Follow these TEN simple tips:

1. Kids. Do not have kids until you are in your mid to late 30s. Really! Go enjoy your twenties — and your thirties. When you have kids later in life, no one questions your age when you take your toddlers to the playground.

2. Friends. Say goodbye to the old, and bring on the new, younger friends. I mean, you can certainly text or message your oldest, dearest friends from your childhood, but dear God, do not go public with them.

3. Depends. Nothing gives your age away faster than the leg cross. When going out with your new, younger friends, wear a reliable incontinence barrier — heck, pack a bunch in your handbag — and laugh freely.

4. Hair. It is certainly important to cover up those grays. However, style is a subtle giveaway. Go to the hippest salon in town, choose the youngest stylist and go with it. Listen and follow their advice — don’t go home and completely give up on your new style, even if you’ve always parted your hair to the left, don’t do it!

5. Sunglasses. Those laugh lines may be able to tell great tales of sunny days on the beach and fun adventures with friends, but to a younger person, they are like rings on a tree. A trendy pair of dark glasses should be worn at all times.

6. The uncontrollable wisp of hair. I am not talking about the upper lip or the extended sideburns. It is a stray, completely independent, and a destroyer of facades. It juts out from mid-cheek, center of forehead, or end of nose — an abomination that can poke out at any moment — and requires strategically placed tweezers in your purse, desk at work, and car.

7. Conversation. The following phrases should never be used in conversation: “When I was a kid…”, “During the 70s and 80s, we would…”, and “Before cell phones…”

8. Ailments. Blow your knee out playing with the kids? Surgery to repair a slipped disc? Carpal tunnel? Keep it to yourself! Discussing and comparing maladies is the talk of older ladies.

9. Boobs. The sag of your boobs is an indicator of age. Invest in a well-made bra that elevates your chest to a higher altitude — for the larger breast, go underwire and for the smaller breast, go padded. The more money you spend, the younger you will look.

10. Social Media. Know it, love it, and embrace it.

It is indisputable scientific fact! You can look ten years younger just by following these ten easy fixes. Try it today! Be 35 again — or ten years younger than any age!

Originally published in Huffington Post on April 27, 2016

Huffington Post

10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Little Boobs

I have big boobs.

I have had big boobs since I was a kid. I filled my first C-cup when I was 12-years old, and they continued to grow. Today at 45, I fill an H-cup.

I wish they were smaller.

Like the curly hair versus straight hair conundrum, women with large breasts wish they had smaller breasts, and women with smaller breasts wish they had larger breasts. But unlike the little boob problems, there are some serious disadvantages of having large boobies.

1.Financial: Yup. Unless you are a B-cup, or smaller, the well-endowed shell out more money for their bras. We are talking up to $100 more! So, there is a financial disadvantage to having big boobs.

2. Health: Aside from the complaints of chronic pain in our neck, shoulders, and back, would you believe that women of larger breasts get jilted in breast cancer detection? 3-D mammography, all the rage at your local imaging clinic, has the potential to significantly increase the cancer detection rate in mammography screening of women. Wonderful, right? Not if you are bigger than a DD-cup, then your only option is the lesser 2D mammogram screening. So, there is a health disadvantage of having big boobs.

And, 8 more reasons why is better to be of little boobs:

3. MUST wear a bra…always. Those maxi dresses are so damn cute? Too bad we will never…EVER…be able to wear one.

4. NO cardio. We prefer yoga or strength training. Really any physical activity that requires us to wear three layers of spandex to batten down the boobies is avoided.

5. Hand-wash ONLY. When we find THAT bra…the one that lifts your breasts out of our belly-button and places them just below your chin. The one that probably cost a week’s worth of groceries. With the gentlest soaps, we bathe them with the same care as with our first-born.

6. Weight-lifting. Found a shelf or counter that is boob level? We find joy in setting our immense mammary monsters upon the counter – similar to weightlessness when you are in a pool. Don’t judge. You would do the same if you were carrying an extra 20 pounds on your chest.

7. The Collector. When we do remove our bras, like for the five minutes each day we luckily fit in a shower, it is like opening a keepsake box. Each lego, binky, half-eaten toast we pull from the crevice of our bosom has us harking back memories of how and when that item was first lost.

8. Sweat. Yeah, yeah, all ladies complain about boob sweat on a hot day…but what our little boobed friends miss out on is the chafing, rashing, baking-a-bread yeast growth caused in the sweat of a large-breasted woman. Yay, fun!

9. High-waisted jeans. What the HELL! Really?! Big boobied ladies don’t especially care for that moment when our jeans button gets locked in our underwire and we are momentarily STUCK in a bowing position. Flat-chested designers of high-waisted jeans need to be throat-punched.

10. The Impaling. Stabbed by an unsheathed underwire while lecturing to a class, teaching CPR, or bible reading at the pulpit? No one is more capable of hiding their face of pain, and reacting in grace and dignity, then us big boobied gals. Blood may be be dripping from the flesh beneath our armpits, but we will finish with finesse.

So, my small boobied friends, rejoice in the little God gave you upon your chest and be thankful.

Originally posted in Huffington Post on June 25, 2016: 10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Little Boobs